A Series of Unfortunate Events: An introduction to standards

What happens when you love a boy who doesn't love Jesus? What if a boy doesn't like you back? How do you decide to say yes or no to a first date? Well. What is the purpose of dating?

Of course you can have fun, go on dates and enjoy the company of another person. But what is your reason for doing these things? Do you just want attention? Do you feel lonely? Do you want to invest in another person and learn about them?

I once heard someone say that when you start dating you either marry the person or break up. Which, honestly, sounds a little fatalistic, doesn't it? But there is truth.

Now that doesn't mean don't date, ever. But it does mean that there should be some thoughtful consideration in how we approach dating. As someone who has done this very very imperfectly, I don't want to sound like I have it all together or magically have more wisdom. However, I do want to walk through how we can biblically consider dating. 

So if I view dating through the lens of evaluation for marriage, there are qualities we consider about ourselves and the other person. It matters if they love Jesus. It also matters if you're taking your walk with Christ seriously. 

Growing up in the church, many kids receive a rather long list of Do's and Don'ts. DO date other christians, DON'T be unequally yoked. DON'T have sex outside of marriage, DO stay a virgin until your wedding day. I'm sure you could add to this list both in the context of dating and in other contexts. 

What I've noticed though, is we don't ever really talk about the why behind this list. Why do they even matter? When we don't consider the full context, we are left with shame and frustration, often questioning the goodness or even existence of God. 

As this series progresses, I will address the areas where we most often question God. At the end though, I want the takeaway to remain that God is good and he is sovereign, even when it comes to dating. 

In any dating relationship, you have to start with a solid foundation. We often treat dating as casual, usually refusing to address difficult conversations.

I return to my first question, what is the purpose of dating? Knowing this answer for yourself and then being able to have that conversation with another person can save so much heartbreak. Answering this question also sets clear expectations, which then leads to a further discussion of standards. 

A lot of times girls will develop a list of standards that are really preferences. "Dear God, please let my future husband have blue eyes, play five instruments and be the UGA quarterback."

Okay so that's taking it to the extreme, I know. But what are biblical standards? And do you even meet your own list? This area requires so much grace, for yourself and others. I recommend taking a look at bible studies on biblical manhood and womanhood, which is truly countercultural. 

My favorite method of evaluation was shared with me by a fellow counselor at my favorite place, Camp All-American. She referred to it as a "cake."

You have the actual bread of the cake as the foundation. These are things like shared faith and values: politics, religion, family life. This might look like: Are you both pursuing a relationship with God; Do you have similar political convictions; does he want 10 kids but you only want 1? All of these again are best handled with grace and conversation. And maybe not on your first coffee date. 

Then you have the icing, a.k.a preferences. Maybe you absolutely love the Milwaukee Brewers, and want someone who will watch games with you. Perhaps at first they don't love your team but you build pastimes together. There's a mutual love and willingness to share or support one another in hobbies and passions. 

Finally, the sprinkles on top. Here's where you could include the shallower preferences: eye color, musical talent, physical build, etc. It's easy to think you want a rich husband that can squat 500 pounds and serenade you every night. However, in the words of Elisabeth Elliot, "Don't you want God's plans, Jane?" Maybe the man you will marry is poor, can't lift even 5 pounds and has the musical talent of a rusty fork. The important thing is a man who loves you like Christ loves the church. You might be amazed at the way your desires shift over time. 

This is far from a perfect or even exhaustive list, but still helpful in shifting our frame of reference. I'm always open to learning more in this area and the last thing I'd consider myself is an expert. My challenge for you, though, is to consider what it means to bring the desire for marriage and dating under the authority of God. To include it in your prayer and another area for you to die to yourself and to glorify God.