Abide

Cancer. A hateful, nasty, cold blooded killer. I hate it. We all hate it. It is a great and terrible darkness. We research cures. Run to raise money for that cure. We plead. We bargain. Too often, we lose.

We took my grandma home from the hospital three years ago. She had stage 4 colon cancer, and we knew our time with her was limited.

At the time, I was in my freshman year of college, just finding myself. I've changed my degree three times since then, and transferred schools as many times. However, every step of the way I was reminded of Grams, one of the strongest women I know.

When Grams was my age, she was working on her undergrad degree just like me, except she had two kids. After she graduated, she worked every day to break the glass ceiling. She was ambitious, and she was strong.

As I begin applying for law school and graduate programs, I think back on that day three years ago. I think of her advice and her firecracker personality. I remember pleading with her and with God. My family had begged her for years to hear the truth, to know God in an intimate relationship.

An intimate relationship with Christ means change. It means radical transformation. It means growth. You won't suddenly become a different person, but you won't be the same today as you were yesterday. Grams was changed when Christ transformed her heart just weeks before he called her to be with him in her eternal home.

God works everything together for good, and he can give us better than we could ever imagine. However, His definition of better and our definition of better might not line up. We may think that it would be better for life to be easy and happy. But that allows us to be complacent, and often prevents growth.

It was not my definition of good when my grandma was diagnosed with cancer.

It was not my definition of good when my parents separated.

It was most certainly not my good when I dropped out of school two years ago.

It was not my definition of good when God called home my two week old niece.

Thankfully, God gives us his word, that we might learn his character and receive guidance and comfort in those times of darkness.

God gives us the story of Abraham, and it provides this comfort: Abraham experienced his own great and terrible darkness. If you don't believe me, read the account of God sealing the covenant with him in Genesis 15. Darkness threatened, but then God's light appeared. Just like Abraham, we have to abide, and cling to Christ and his perfect comfort.

However, God knew, knows, what is best. Every good and perfect thing is from God. God does no evil. He cannot be in the presence of evil.

His best is that I abide. That I seek him and rest in him. That I be a vine that grows and produces fruit. Growth happens when we abide in Christ and surround ourselves in Christian community, when we step outside our comfort zone and stretch our safe place. Are you growing? Are you different today than you were last year? Last month? Yesterday?

I will be strong. I will be a woman after God's own heart. I will pursue his will. When the big, terrible darkness threatens to overwhelm, I will abide in God's ocean of grace and mercy.

 I am a strong, independent woman. Not because of my own power or ambition. I am strong because God is bigger. He is bigger than my fear. He is bigger than death. He is bigger than any decision I face as graduation draws near.