A Series of Unfortunate Events: Dating in an Online Era
Usually my blog posts are a reflection on theology or cultural tensions I've observed. However, for this one, I wanted to take a more light-hearted look at the dating/life experiences of my friends and myself.
A little context as we explore this: In college I made some... Interesting dating choices. I also watched my friends have heartbreak after heartbreak as we overgrown children entered a new world of vulnerability and emotions. Together, we brainstormed an idea for a book about these experiences, originally titled "Red Flags: A memoir in dating." Now, this idea has evolved and I'm applying the concept to a series of blogposts, beginning with this one.
For the purpose of this specific post, my goal is to introduce the topic and do a cursory look at observations of dating using an app. Also, as I am a female, and majority of my friends are also female, I'm looking at our interactions with guys. My plan is for this to be a series where I also look from a guy's perspective, as well as looking at healthier examples.
"At this point, I guess red is my favorite color."
The other day, my friend and I had this conversation about dating apps. Actually, I have quite frequent conversations with my friends about them. Which to use, how effective they are, how safe they are, alternatives, as well as awkward horror stories and existential fears.
Anyway. My friend (I'll call her Sally) and I are talking about some recent encounters she's had on a dating app, and out of that conversation we have a generic "what to expect when you're texting on a dating app."
"If you think you're a jerk, then you might be a jerk."
To begin, Chad sends a message (okay if it's Bumble that's not the case; don't nitpick my example, thanks). This message is some range from a generic, "hey" to a pick-up line so dirty you question if he has a mother or was just raised by wolves. Honestly, wolves have better manners.
The next message also involves a wide range of responses, varying from "how are you?" to "so when are we sleeping together?" Mind you, this is someone you have never met; you have seen maybe 3 pictures of (and maybe it's not even them) and if you're lucky some witty one-liner most likely from The Office.
All social norms are completely thrown out of the window in this context. We don't really talk about how any of this happens, though. At least not in a healthy way. We talk about the toxic guy we continued to let take us out for a free meal, but not about the damaging baggage we carry after.
"The moment I chose Jess over Dean in Gilmore Girls, I knew I had a problem."
How often do we hear jokes about women loving the bad boy? There's this stereotype of women loving toxic men and it's the root of all their problems.
As Sally and I analyzed this, our conversation turned to Hallmark and those cheesy rom-coms majority of women (and some men, I won't discriminate) love.
In these movies, some beautiful and perfect good girl falls in love with this tall, dark and handsome bad boy. This guy whom we would kindly label as a "player" has a character 180 and the two live happily ever after.
We then expect the toxic relationships in our life to be true love and end in a fairy-tale. We place relationships and marriage on this pedestal we expect to fulfill us. Sometimes, we are so desperate to have some positive attention, we allow ourselves to stick with anything, sometimes desperately fighting to cling to it, when that doesn't really satisfy us our deepest longings.
I hate to leave you on a cliffhanger on our true satisfaction, but it's so detailed it will take its own post. Until then, I'll finish with this encouragement: you, sweet friend, were created by a Creator who loves you. And honestly, the most satisfying part of that relationship is realizing that it's not about you. Which maybe sounds harsh but I promise there is such beauty and freedom that awaits.
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